Not sure

Now I come to the hardest part of all of this for me...

Determining if I CAN let go of the illusions of my past, and letting life... happen.

I overthink, that is not a new idea at all. But this overthinking... It leaves me with questions I don't think anyone knows the answer to.

And while that scares me,

I have to decide if it scares me too much/enough.

Enough to say no.

I do not think it scares me that much.

---

Kinda pissed at myself for not sticking to my guns and staying home to attempt to get homework done.

I know it would probably have ended the same way, but maybe... just maybe.

Except there is no maybe. I would LOVE to understand why I continue to do this, day after day and year after year - this procrastination, unintentional or not, this selling of my soul that ends in self-hatred for a few hours and then eventual acceptance.

It sucks. It has ALWAYS sucked.

I am not incapable of learning - in fact, I am very capable of learning.

And yet.

This.

AGAIN.

Only now?

This time... I am not sure I can do it.

Not sure I can pull myself up by the seat of my pants.

Not sure I can BS my way through the remaining 6 book papers, 4 other papers, and a final 5 page paper - in less that 5 days.

Not sure I can create architectural drawings -good enough not to embarrass me in front of someone that I actually respect- in less than 2.

Not sure I can start - and finish - a scrapbook in less than 4.

And yet.

I must.

---

Reading about death, and grieving, and children dying and parents dying...

Yeah, that struck a cord in me.

Just a giant one.

No one here knows the me-that-was, or even what my amazing mommy looked like -not in person.

They don't know what she sounded like, laughed like, hugged like.

They don't know how she joked, or was kind, or had the 'face' like I do.

They don't know that she and I had the same eyes.

But they also don't really know what they are missing.

I don't either... but I can feel the missing.

I can FEEL that there is something gone that shouldn't be.

In conversation, in complaints, in thoughts...

I feel it.

I feel that I am forgetting. Not intentionally, no. But my mind loses things so very easily...

So. Godddamned. Easily.

I wish I could remember how it felt to hug her.

Or even how her voice sounded.

But I can not remember even those things.

And when I close my eyes?

I cannot see her anymore.

Except of course, those moments that I cannot forget. The bad ones, the dying ones.
Those moments, those thoughts that ran through my head...

They haven't faded.