I find it a funny kind of sad that I have problems accepting platonic touch.

Not accepting? Just... Ok.

I get touched so little - hugs, back scratches, whatever - that my body tends to filter ANY touch as sexual. I can turn it off - I have no problem turning that filter to platonic for touches from my family - but from friends or anyone else the initial filter is sexual.

So yeah, a sad kind of funny and a funny kind of sad.

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Yesterday (being Monday) was weird. Got back to town after a weekend away and went to a really cool class about sex, then went shopping for foods and then climbing - and this is where shit gets interesting.

So there is this route I've been trying for about a week now, maybe a bit more. I've been trying to complete it from the beginning - start to finish and all that, and have been making slow but steady progress (maybe one or two moves each time). Yesterday I was given the guidance that maybe I could try to complete it from later in the route - to figure out what moves I needed to do before I got to that point.

So I did. I got on the wall at about the 2/3 mark and attempted and attempted and fell and fell and complained and stared at the wall and willed my body to do things it didn't want to and didn't think it was capable of doing.

And then somehow - everything clicked and I did it. I finished the route... from the 2/3's mark. And then I rested for awhile and was like "OKAY! I have proven that I can do all of it... so I need to do ALL OF IT AT ONCE". That was not a good plan.

I tried and tried and tried and tried and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell. And got an odd mixture of angry and frustrated - far closer to what I consider true anger from me than I have gotten in a LONG time. Luckily, Julia came by for our swimming date about halfway into that process, so I had some reason (other than the knowledge that I was going to injure myself if I didn't stop trying) to leave the gym. I know I have a tendency to self-injure when I get in a certain mindset, and I knew I was getting there... but in a completely different way than I ever have before.

- Side note here, I had gone into climbing with an odd mindset anyway. I don't know why but the last two times I've been in the gym I've felt a bit off. This time it was a feeling like I was stopped and not moving at all while everyone else moved extremely quickly all around me. And then Guy showed up and he was - honesty here - completely and totally fine. I wasn't. I felt like crying - got so close to it a few times my eyes watered, and I don't know why. -

Packed up my shit and walked my legitimately trembling body to the locker room, changed and went swimming. Felt better the INSTANT I got in the pool. Swam with Julia for awhile, then sauna'd (need to budget MUCH more time for that).

Walked back to my car, then went to a new friend named... Wyn's, and Mike was there cause they are having a really cute thing, and hung out there for a few hours. It was totally awesome to do so, and felt good to be around them.

And then I left - and nearly cried on the drive home from the level of happysad.

Happysad is a painful emotion to have.

Got home and asked Tommy to come hang out in my room where I curled up and stretched out in bed while he was on the other side (my bed is indeed that big) and then I fell asleep.

Today, shit happened and then Mike came over for the hanging out and then I got a back massage... I really hate having to ask for them. Maybe because I dislike begging so much? I don't know but while I don't expect people to WANT to give me back massages - it makes the experience less good for me if I feel like I have to ask a lot.

Either way, I got like 2 hours of human contact down - which is fabulous because thats the most I've gotten since December. I'm still sore from climbing and have a TON to do tomorrow - meeting with the Career Center in the morning and the academic fair to get my contract signed cause fuuuuck. How did this happen again?

Why do I want so much to cry?