[TW] Physical violence

I've been up for 24 hours now.

Shit went down.

I'm just going to copypaste my otherblog here cause I'm too fucking tired to write it all out - Suffice to say, I'm not fucking happy.

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So I had my first honest-to-god triggered moment tonight. It fucking SUCKED people… I knew it sucked and I understood it was going to happen to me at some point - and I had had tastes of it through various media but fuck.

The backstory: Last year a male friend of mine got angry with me for ‘being in his space’ (his doorway) and when he told me to leave and I asked why, he pushed me against the wall with his hand around my throat.

That was the first real experience I’ve had that I can remember in which someone was physically violent against me… and it hit hard. Especially because it was someone I trusted and even kind of liked at that point. It took me a good long while before I was even able to be around him without being fucking half-triggered (though I didn’t know the terminology then), or being scared the whole time. Now, while I never fully let my guard down around him, we are on better terms.

Tonight: Two of my friends are in an odd relationship that the female half has broken off. The male half is not dealing well. She and I went out to dinner and then she came back to my house with me (he is one of my two housemates) so that they could talk. She goes to his room to talk, and after a while I hear raised voices and I pay a bit more attention - but don’t really hear anything out of the ordinary for them.

Suddenly she comes running into my room, sobbing, and curls up into a corner.

He apparently threatened to slap her if she laughed at him, and then when she tried to leave his room he shoved her against a wall. (He has since claimed he was trying to hug her.)

I asked her (later) what she did to leave his room, and she said she begged him - pleaded with him to let her leave.

THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

I will not forgive him for this - for the look on her face when she came into my room. I know that look - I wore it last year - and I hoped never to see it on the faces of anyone I love, and he took that hope away from me (and most especially from her). He broke her trust - a trust I know she has a hard time giving - and gave her a new set of issues.

They talked after she calmed down (at her insistence) and he fell over himself apologizing.

I cannot help but think of other bad, previously unthought or unacknowledged things - and now I doubt him like I never have before.

I took her home after they were done talking, and then I drove home…

And I couldn’t get out of my car. I couldn’t make myself go inside. I called a friend of mine that lives in a different state and she talked to me about what all had just happened - helped me deal with a bit of it and calm down some.

Then - still in my car- I texted my ex, asking if I could come over for a hug. He said yes, and I went to his place and ended up staying for a few hours - I explained that I had been triggered but not by what, and he and I talked and he was fucking fabulous. I take back a few of the times I called him an ass because tonight he saved some of my brain.

Even looking at my body posture over the last few hours - everything went down, and I curled over my friend. She goes to talk to him and I sit by his door (by prior agreement with her). I take her home, can’t get out of the car and shaking badly. Go to ex’s, and start curled as far into myself as I can get at the end of his bed, still shaking - slowly relax over the hours, end up okay.

Get home - shaking again.

I don’t know what to do.

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And now I go to fucking bed.

Fuck.