The snow was awesome.

Waking up this morning to yet another 'No.' was less awesome.

Talking to my dad, also less awesome.

Crying?

Shitty.

---

I may have finally done it - finally procrastinated myself into that little box known as failure.

I knew it could be done - I just didn't think that THIS contract would be the one to do it.

It's my second - and best - contract yet, actually about something I want to do with my life.

And maybe that's why it took me so damn long to write it, because I was scared of it - scared of what it represents.

All I know now is that of the 6 people I emailed a week ago - three have responded.

They all said no.

So now I have three possibles, academic advising is going to call me back, and I may not be graduating this year.

The problem is - other than my startling ability to wait far too long to contact people - I really have no interest in doing anything BUT work in human sexuality.

I have about 20 tabs open with different classes on them, classes I might be able to get into, but I feel revulsion at the thought of them.

And no, I don't think revulsion is too strong of a word.

Right now I feel it for myself, the school, the classes...

All I really want to do is get under the covers and stay there.